Guilty Puddles

It was a beautiful day this Memorial Day. It reminds me a lot of life. After all the rain and dark skies, there is sun. It is very similar to life. There can be a lot of darkness around you and at times you think what you know as your life is over but then something changes. Hard rain leaves puddles even in the bright sun.

When have you had something positive happen in your life but then something negative happens?  Or depite the good situation in your life you still have remanants of a hardship?

The same is essentially true in my life as well. I couldn't wait for warmth, sun, and most of all family time. Rod Stewart says it best "It Seems Like A Long Time..."and if you currently live in the Midwest, it has been nasty weather for several months. It has been a long time since people in the Midwest could enjoy the outdoors. Nasty weather can cause Seasonal Affective Disorder . I have met several people who seem very depressed when the sun is not shining. Many look to new and different things to lift the misery but something always remains to remind them of harsdship. Confused?

Let me explain. I know that for a few weeks now I had more stamina. On Memorial Day in Chicago, it was hot. It was a high of 94 degrees.  If any other MS'ers are out there tell me your story about heat! I was so happy seeing the sun, the green grass, budding flowers, and the neighbors outside. Needless to say, there was some excitement in my heart. As I did the dishes, I looked outside the window and saw my husband and kids doing yard work. They looked hot, tired, and thirsty. I smiled and went to the refrigerator and got juice out. My feet seemed hesitant but I didn't care. Floods of memories of playing outside with cousins and being care free overwhelmed me. I also remembered the hard yard work I did with my father on sunny days. I knew my kids were making those exact memories on this lovely day. I smiled again and I felt motivated to bring the juice outside to my family. I was going to have a great fun filled day! I was more excited than I had been in months.  I saw the sun without any puddles.

As I opened the back door, a wave of hot air struck me and I instantly got weak. That is when my guilt set in. Here were the members of my family, sweating and working hard in the heat, and there were no expectations for me. My help was not a neccesity but the burden of being a good mother and wife plagued my mind. The porch furniture needed to be cleaned pool toys needed to be put out and the family needed help cleaning up general winter mess.

Still determined to serve my thirsty family, I clung on to the juice and glasses for life and began my trek to the porch ledge. With a weak voice,  I called my family over to enjoy the sweet nectar I had to offer.  They came over full of sweat and one child was not happy doing the task and I knew I could not help. My husband then suggested that I go inside to the clean house and sit in the air conditioning. I could barely walk and lifting anything. I basically crawled into  the house and sat at the window and stared at my family hard at work. Besides giving juice (that my husband made) and glasses to my family, how did I help? I felt uselss and like a leech.

As the day continued, I watched from inside the house as my husband continued to mow the lawn, set up the pool, and try to fix the other lawn mower still in the garage. Inside, I looked at loads of laundry that needed to be done and new dirty dishes in the sink. I then saw my butt on the couch. Again, I ask you how was I helping? Guilt overwhelmed me. I found puddles in my sun.

Then I saw my kids playing outside without me. I really wanted to join them. So instead of the memories I thought they were creating my mind quickly raced and showed me my kids as adults. They were explaining to their kids that their mom never played with them because she was always "sick and weak". I also imagined them telling their children that they work harder than other kids because their mom was always tired and could not walk.  Guilt poured in on me and formed puddles around me and I felt alone and drowning in guilt.

But living in self pity is something that I refuse to live in. I gathered all my strength and went grocery shopping for the family. Though it was hard, the guilt puddles began to dry up. After letting my family unload the groceries, I sat in the garage and tried to strike up a conversation with my husband who was still diligently fixing a broken lawn mower. I was feeling better and my personal sun was starting to come out. I brought a chair in the yard and played "sitting catch" with my son. I realized that though I can't help out as I like, I can still be me.

Rainy day and it is not even Monday!

How about some things to smile about? Here are some corny ideas to help you feel better.

(PS I met the goal today by seeing God in my children and my friend's eyes)

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment.

Does the world stink? Spray some air freshner or sniff a fabric sheet.

(I heard this one) What is the best way to catch a fish? Have a friend throw it at you!

Life giving you lemons? No problem give yourself a lime.

Smile at a stranger when you are angry-guarenteed-you will laugh!

Feel depressed? How do you want to feel tommorrow? Only you have control over your emotions!

Have a great weekend!

The Greatest Accomplishment Starts With One Step

How did I meet my goal today, my friends? How did I make an impact?

Well today's accomplishment was given to a little "lady" and my son.  This little canine came to my house with a smile and filled the house up with excitement and passion but most of all motivation. Lady, a King Charles Cavalier (looks kind of like a Cocker Spaniel) visited me today. We played, cuddled, but most importantly walked around the block.

We made it to the end of the street before I sent my son home for the monsterous walker. I was so angry with myself that I needed a piece of metal to help me do something so basic as walking around the block. Will this be the norm? 

I then made it another length of the block with the dreaded metal legs before I tired out. I looked down and saw the puddles ahead of me. "No problem, but it is going to get tricky" I thought. As I wiggled my toes I felt the confines of a light cotton on my feet. I realized that though wearing only socks might give me confidence to walk freely, it is not the best for walking in puddles. My feet began to drag and my toes were getting the brunt of it. My toe nails scaped the uneven pavement and my feet began to beg me for mercy. What was I doing? The once comfortable cotton that held my feet were now resmebling shredded cheese. I should of worn shoes but I also was wanting to walk better. What would you choose?  It was then I started to notice my walking. My feet were not raising over an inch or two and my knees were refusing to bend. My toes were taking on a rose color and I was beginning to think that I had made a major mistake. 

Despite scrapping my toes on the sidewalk, my legs began to feel heavy. I had gone for a simple walk and now my body began to feel as if it had dove into quicksand. Each step became more difficult than the last. Tears began to surface under my eyes and felt as if I was on the brim of defeat. What had I done? I was crazy for even attempting to make it around the block. I was mad at myself for even trying to do something that was destined to fail. Why did I even try? Don't I have enough hurt feelings every day? Was I now turning to masocism? It was too late to turn back and it was too hard to move forward. I wanted to dwell in this moment forever and basically feel sorry for myself. After all, I deserve it, right?


But how was I accomplishing my daily goal?

Today ladies and gentlemen, I found my inspiration in a little dog and an eight year old boy. Once I realized that the rest of the hike was going to be a struggle, I looked ahead and saw the people who took this tremendous journey with me. Maybe not a journey for them but a tremendous feat for me. Up ahead I saw my son, Lady (the dog), and my two neighbors. They were enjoying their walk and smiling back at me. They had not seen or felt the struggle that I faced. The strife then seem to disappear and I moved forward but much more slowly than I would have liked. I learned that though to me the world felt like thick cement, to them, their world was free flowing and they take the waves as they come.  Their world if full of JOY 

Sara's point of view

hi this is Sara. (this blogger's daughter) I want to give my point of view of MS.

(this is me)

I think that even if you have MS you can still do stuff. Like go to the carnival or go to the zoo. But you just have to do some of those things differently. And going in a wheelchair is fine, using a cane is fine, using crutches is fine. So what if people think thats weird. I sure don't. And if they do they're the rudest people i've ever seen. and i've seen some of those people. they make a mean face  or whisper to the people that are next to them. i just pretend they're not there and walk away.

I am doing something!

I have now been home dealing with my MS life change for three years. During that time, I thought that I would fulfill my time by helping others by tutoring. When that started to drizzle out I thought I would help out at the church as much as possible. Then I broke my leg and I was home bound. The MS was put on the back burner and the leg became the forefront of my life. I started journaling but like many things in my life that too went to the way side. I felt a bit guilty that journaling went bust until I realized it didn't do me any good if I wrote and nobody read it. So now, I am blogging. But before you dismiss this as another day to day blog that does nothing but go on and on about oneself; understand this blog has a goal. It has a goal for you and for me.

OUR GOAL IS TO DO SOMETHING POSITIVE EVERY DAY. MY GOAL IS BLOG ABOUT IT DAILY. NEXT, PRAY THAT THE POSITIVE OUTCOME AFFECTS SOMEONE ELSE.

Now this positive outcome may not always affect the public, friends, or family. As a MS person, you may have positive outcomes just for yourself. I have noticed that there are dozens of books out there that talk about how the chronically ill inspire others. Though this is important, I feel that it is just as important to inspire yourself. Inspiration does not have to be positive. As I vow to do my best to blog daily, whoever read this blog must be realistic and understand that inspiration can be derived by pain.

It sounds confusing that inspiration can be derived by pain, so let me give an example. People with MS suffer from fatigue. For this reason, there are days during the week that the biggest accomplishment I have is finding the lost remote. On those days, I feel best thing I can do to inspire is to be strong enough to be there for my family.

I was watching a MTV episode of  "True Life" and it was about people with Terrets. One person on that show said "God may have dealt me these cards, but it is up to me on how I play them".  This is so true. Even though my symptoms are becoming more bothersome and noticiable, I refuse to go to my death bed saying, "Well, I have seen every episode of Intervention". MS may have taken my career, dignity, and several physical attributes but it has not taken away my desire to grow and succeed.

Hey, MS- These are my life cards and I have a full house (kids, husband, friends, family) and my hand is not going to lose! I would like to bet, please!