It was a beautiful day this Memorial Day. It reminds me a lot of life. After all the rain and dark skies, there is sun. It is very similar to life. There can be a lot of darkness around you and at times you think what you know as your life is over but then something changes. Hard rain leaves puddles even in the bright sun.
When have you had something positive happen in your life but then something negative happens? Or depite the good situation in your life you still have remanants of a hardship?
The same is essentially true in my life as well. I couldn't wait for warmth, sun, and most of all family time. Rod Stewart says it best "It Seems Like A Long Time..."and if you currently live in the Midwest, it has been nasty weather for several months. It has been a long time since people in the Midwest could enjoy the outdoors. Nasty weather can cause Seasonal Affective Disorder . I have met several people who seem very depressed when the sun is not shining. Many look to new and different things to lift the misery but something always remains to remind them of harsdship. Confused?
Let me explain. I know that for a few weeks now I had more stamina. On Memorial Day in Chicago, it was hot. It was a high of 94 degrees. If any other MS'ers are out there tell me your story about heat! I was so happy seeing the sun, the green grass, budding flowers, and the neighbors outside. Needless to say, there was some excitement in my heart. As I did the dishes, I looked outside the window and saw my husband and kids doing yard work. They looked hot, tired, and thirsty. I smiled and went to the refrigerator and got juice out. My feet seemed hesitant but I didn't care. Floods of memories of playing outside with cousins and being care free overwhelmed me. I also remembered the hard yard work I did with my father on sunny days. I knew my kids were making those exact memories on this lovely day. I smiled again and I felt motivated to bring the juice outside to my family. I was going to have a great fun filled day! I was more excited than I had been in months. I saw the sun without any puddles.
As I opened the back door, a wave of hot air struck me and I instantly got weak. That is when my guilt set in. Here were the members of my family, sweating and working hard in the heat, and there were no expectations for me. My help was not a neccesity but the burden of being a good mother and wife plagued my mind. The porch furniture needed to be cleaned pool toys needed to be put out and the family needed help cleaning up general winter mess.
Still determined to serve my thirsty family, I clung on to the juice and glasses for life and began my trek to the porch ledge. With a weak voice, I called my family over to enjoy the sweet nectar I had to offer. They came over full of sweat and one child was not happy doing the task and I knew I could not help. My husband then suggested that I go inside to the clean house and sit in the air conditioning. I could barely walk and lifting anything. I basically crawled into the house and sat at the window and stared at my family hard at work. Besides giving juice (that my husband made) and glasses to my family, how did I help? I felt uselss and like a leech.
As the day continued, I watched from inside the house as my husband continued to mow the lawn, set up the pool, and try to fix the other lawn mower still in the garage. Inside, I looked at loads of laundry that needed to be done and new dirty dishes in the sink. I then saw my butt on the couch. Again, I ask you how was I helping? Guilt overwhelmed me. I found puddles in my sun.
Then I saw my kids playing outside without me. I really wanted to join them. So instead of the memories I thought they were creating my mind quickly raced and showed me my kids as adults. They were explaining to their kids that their mom never played with them because she was always "sick and weak". I also imagined them telling their children that they work harder than other kids because their mom was always tired and could not walk. Guilt poured in on me and formed puddles around me and I felt alone and drowning in guilt.
But living in self pity is something that I refuse to live in. I gathered all my strength and went grocery shopping for the family. Though it was hard, the guilt puddles began to dry up. After letting my family unload the groceries, I sat in the garage and tried to strike up a conversation with my husband who was still diligently fixing a broken lawn mower. I was feeling better and my personal sun was starting to come out. I brought a chair in the yard and played "sitting catch" with my son. I realized that though I can't help out as I like, I can still be me.
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